I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice
activated.
'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States
Damn I love this truck....
Showing posts with label Authority. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Authority. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Funny Joke
A little boy goes to his dad and asks,
“What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed The next morning,
the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.”
“What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed The next morning,
the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.”
Funny Joke
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where. Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
*reposted from Long Jokes*
*reposted from Long Jokes*
Funny Joke
A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
Soo the marine did what any squared-away marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women ( with and without clothes ) to his girlfriend with the following note: "i dont remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
Soo the marine did what any squared-away marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women ( with and without clothes ) to his girlfriend with the following note: "i dont remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
Monday, March 28, 2011
Little Johnny Strikes again.
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Post Office Joke
John goes to the Post Office for a job interview.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - tea."
"Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says, "I was in army for two years." The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?" John says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day." John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM, why do you want me to start here from 10:00AM?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking tea and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - tea."
"Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says, "I was in army for two years." The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?" John says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day." John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM, why do you want me to start here from 10:00AM?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking tea and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
New Antiseptic
It's not only the English who have a sense of humor. The Scots do as well!
This cartoon originated in Scotland ...
It looks like most of the world is laughing at our nation's leadership!
How sad that the world is laughing at the US while we sit by and watch and wonder what will happen next!
"This one nails it perfectly"
This cartoon originated in Scotland ...
It looks like most of the world is laughing at our nation's leadership!
How sad that the world is laughing at the US while we sit by and watch and wonder what will happen next!
"This one nails it perfectly"
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
You could have heard a pin drop......
JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded,
"Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGuale
did not respond.
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When in England ,
at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not
return."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France
where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer
stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?"
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral
was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S.., English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?"
Without hesitating,
the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting,
an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting
admitted that he had been to France
previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible.
Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior
gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded,
"Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGuale
did not respond.
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When in England ,
at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not
return."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France
where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer
stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?"
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral
was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S.., English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?"
Without hesitating,
the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting,
an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting
admitted that he had been to France
previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible.
Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior
gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
New TSA Bumper Stickers
To my frequent flyer friends: All new touch and go campaign by TSA has prompted the following – these would be great travel T-shirts too!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Arrogance of Authority
The rancher says "Okay,but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying,"Mister, I have the authority of the Fedral Goverment with me." Reaching into his rear pants, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you undestand?" The rancher nods politely. apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short ntime later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's Humongus Santa Gertrudis bull..... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likly that he'll get gored before he reaches safty. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'YOUR BADGE . SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
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