Behind the Bush

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake.

He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

 Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her,

"What in the friggin hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"

The Egg Joke!! Happy Easter !!

A woman was frying eggs for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Funny Joke

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman you can trust & who would never lie.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.
5. It's absolutely fucking vital that these four women don't know each other.

Funny Joke

Little johnny saw his mom get out of the shower and saw her titties he asks mommy,

"what are those"

she didn't know what to say so she tells him to

"go ask his dad".

Well he does and his dad says

"they are her balloons and when she dies they blow up and send her to heaven",

Well about a week later uncle Greg came to visit and little Johnny walked in his moms room and ran back out to his dad and says

"Dad come quick moms dieing",

dad says

"Why you say that"

Little johnny says

"Uncle Greg is blowing up her balloons and she's screaming oh my god I'm cummin".

Got 5 stars if u get it

Funny Joke

A married woman isn't happy with her sex life. She goes to a doctor and he gives her blue pills. He tells her to put one blue pill in her husbands cup of water at night, and he will get horny. so that night she puts one pill in his water. she wakes up in the morning and thinks "wow that was pretty good." then she puts in 5 pills. she wakes up thinkin "that was unbelievable!" Then she gets a little crazy and decides to put the rest of the bottle in his water. The next morning the doctor calls and the couples son picks up. The doctor says "hey I'm just calling yo see how everyhting is going over there. The son says well..."my moms dead, my sister ran away, the maids pregnant, my but hurts, and my dad's outside butt naked saying 'here kitty kitty kitty.'"

And then the Fight started .....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes" I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my
order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

How Fights get started...

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

Funny or Scary??

Here Kitty Kitty

A married woman isn't happy with her sex life.
She goes to a doctor and he gives her blue pills.
He tells her to put one blue pill in her husbands cup of water at night, and he will get horny.
So that night she puts one pill in his water. she wakes up in the morning and thinks
"wow that was pretty good."
Then she puts in 5 pills. she wakes up thinkin
"that was unbelievable!"
Then she gets a little crazy and decides to put the rest of the bottle in his water. The next morning the doctor calls and the couples son picks up.
The doctor says
"hey I'm just calling yo see how everyhting is going over there."
The son says well...
"my moms dead, my sister ran away, the maids pregnant, my but hurts, and my dad's outside butt naked saying 'here kitty kitty kitty.'"

Food Court Proposal Gone Bad!!

Think twice who you propose too..LOL

How Fights Get Started in Marriage

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

How Fights Get started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

The Day St. Peter's lost his cool....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a PRIEST up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find aLAWYER???"

Divorce

How Fights Get Started in marriage ...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No" she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Thanks Bank Robber Joke

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"<>
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. ...
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and spoke,
"My wife got a good look at you."

How Fights Get Started in Marriage

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...