Whackadoodles

BLESSED ARE THE Whackadoodles , FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT! TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1. My first wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.  6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27. The trouble with life is there's no back ground music. 28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

Funny Video of a Day at work!!

Do you feel this way sometimes ?? Or is there someone at your work place that does this?? Let us know how you realllyyy feel ??

There are worse things than oil on the beach...

Funny Pic ! The Baked Potato

♫ I see you got your baked potato and your flippy floppies, walkin’ around Walmart looking all sorts of sloppy ♫

Funny Joke!!

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he’s seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to turn me on or drive me crazy?" "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, sir," she replies. "I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have a wild orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him with a coy smile and whispers, "Pepper" ; )

Funny or Scary??

I can’t tell if I’m angry that this is a guy in a skirt or if I’m angry because obviously the weather is nice enough there to be wearing a skirt and I’m stuck dealing with the snow-pocalypse!

Funny Bathroom Sign

Wish you had one of these in your office ???

Funny Joke: Father Daughter Conversation

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal
Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much
in Favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in
other Words; redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
conservative Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the
Lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a
professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil,
selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to
Higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had
to Be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by
Asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0
GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She
was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying,
which left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew.
She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
college friends, because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey
doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are
easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is so
popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to
all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes
because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the
Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your
friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and
certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The
daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really
hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!
Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I
worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to
The Republican party.'
If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between
Republican and Democrat I'm all ears.

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is
a great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns
outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat
products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated
respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better
his situation.
A liberal Democrat wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches
channels.
If a liberal Democrat doesn't like a talk show host he demands
the show be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and
religion silenced.


If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends
can have a good laugh when they see the truth in print.
A liberal Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".

Well, I forwarded it to you.

I must go to work now. People on welfare are counting on me to
support them.

Walmart Funny Pics

No need to exercise anymore- just buy clothing that shows everyone what you WANT to look like.

T-Shirts for Elders

The testicles

The doctor said, "Jerry, the good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought,"That's what I need -a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Jerry laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Jerry tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."The salesman eyed Jerry and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Jerry was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Jerry tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Jerry was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Jerry tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Jerry thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back,eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Jerry laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


Sent from Dirty Jokes http://bit.ly/c7eBnB

Old Age ...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his
physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Seniors Misbehaving!!

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man,

-"You appear to be in good health.

Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me  about?"

-"In fact, I  do," said the old man.

"After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty,

and  then, after I have it with her the second time,

I am usually cold and chilly."

After  examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,

-"Everything appears to be fine.

Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with  me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her:

-"Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims that he  is usually hot and sweaty

after having sex with you the first time,

and then cold and chilly after the second time.

Do you know  why?"

-"Oh that crazy old fart,"she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in August
and the second time is in January "

Never Lie to a Woman

               A man called home to his wife and said,
          "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada  with my boss
                and several of his friends, we'll be gone for a week.
       This is a good opportunity to get that Promotion I've been wanting,
                 so could you please pack enough clothes for a week
         and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office
                  and I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
                 " Oh! and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

        The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she is,
                        did exactly what her husband asked.

                The following weekend he came home a little tired,
                               but otherwise looking good.

         The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

        He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.

       But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"

                     You'll love this answer.....

                     The wife replied,
                                      
                       "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

                    Never Lie To A Woman.!

The Kiss of Death ...

"A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.""

Ohhh Myy Gooodnesssss !!!

"Are those ankle weights, half-socks or sweatbands? Does she think that if things are kind of the same color they can go together? Are see-through shorts only appropriate with shiny blue hats? I wish I knew how these things worked."

Fart Fart Farttttttttt !!!

"You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ...
you need to fart. The music is really loud,
so you time your farts with the beat. After a
couple of songs, you start to feel better as
you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus,
people are really staring you down, and that's when
you realize, you have been listening to your ipod"

The Men Jokes

TWO OLD MEN REALIZE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
 AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
 AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

 THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
 AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST
 TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
 THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
 TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
 THE DIFFERENCE."

 THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
 MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

 AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU
 KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

 "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

 "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
 TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

 HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
 A WITCH."

 "A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

 "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
 THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
 FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKING MY
 TEETH WITH HER."

The Men's Rules Joke

The Men's rules...
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are OUR rules: Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: * Subtle hints do not work! * Strong hints do not work! * Obvious hints do not work! * JUST SAY IT! 1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days 1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really 1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as: * Sex, * Sport, * Cars, * or Computers 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight but it's ok, it's like camping.